Do You Give Yourself Enough Grace?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

C. G. Jung

We all know the old adage, “would you say that to your best friend?” — but applying the same grace and compassion we give to others to ourselves is, well, not so simple.

Lately, I’ve fallen off of my gym routine. Not completely; I still work out a lot of days. However, my routine gym days have turned more into occasional gym “express runs” after work, or early in the morning, or whenever I can fit them in.

And guess what? I’ve been beating myself up about it. Hard. I began my gym routine to help my mental health, as well as my physical health, and letting it slip feels like a personal failure somehow — and that is the problem.

When we frame ourselves as “guilty” of something, we inherently absorb undue shame, frustration, and negative self-talk abounds. I’m not guilty of slipping up on my gym routine — it’s just something that’s happened, and that’s life. Things happen. Other things have been taking my time and energy lately, and it’s okay to take some seasons to focus on other things that bring me joy.

However, I found my initial reaction interesting; why were guilt, shame and negative self-talk my knee-jerk reaction to a simple shift in routine? Let’s dig into that a little bit.

Why we’re harder on ourselves than anybody else

There is evidence to support that being hard on ourselves can be influenced by many things (with low self-esteem surprisingly being one of the less likely reasons), including our religious upbringing, how we were parented, our para-social relationships, and much, much more. According to Medium, “We feel that if we show ourselves compassion, we’re being self-indulgent and selfish,” and I believe that is the crux of it.

Think about it this way; in most cultures, and certainly in American culture, we’re often taught from a young age to overextend ourselves (and not complain about it). We work ourselves to the bone; we’re taught to not make a fuss, or be a bother; we hyper-focus on unsustainable productivity (in many areas of our lives); and we definitely go out of our way to help one another (which is a good thing… but aren’t we someone, too?).

All that to say, we have a serious issue of people thinking being burnt out, overstimulated, and under-cared for is normal, which leads to us beating ourselves up when we feel badly about our situation, or when we slip up or make an honest mistake.

The typical way I’ve heard we should reframe these thoughts is by asking ourselves if we would treat someone we love the way we’re treating ourselves in those low moments; for example, would you say that mean, self-deprecating remark you just made to your mom, or your best friend? No, you wouldn’t. However, I find that strategy doesn’t always work, as it’s sometimes hard to catch our thoughts in the moment and actively put a stop to them. So, what else can we do?

Practice daily affirmations and engage in positive self-talk

I’ve written about giving yourself a break (and more credit) before, and I want to really drive that point home. It is okay to give yourself a break. You are allowed to rest. You are a person, too, and you deserve just as much love, compassion, and respect as you believe everyone else does. So, what can giving yourself a break and more credit look like in practice? Here are a few tidbits of inspiration to help you get started:

• Engage in positive self-talk. Intentionally set aside time in the morning when you wake up, or at night before you go to bed, to say three positive things about yourself. Maybe you can say something like, “I crushed that presentation at work today,” or even just “I got through today, and that is enough.” Or, compliment yourself. Maybe you remind yourself that you’re a kind person, or that you’re particularly good at lending a helping hand to others in need. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself, focus on that.

• Practice daily affirmations. In addition to positive self-talk, positive affirmations are a great way to shift your focus and help you visualize and achieve your goals. Try affirmations such as, “I am capable,” or “I am doing my best,” or more specific affirmations like, “I am working toward achieving my goal of (X),” and you’ll be surprised how your life begins to change. It seems cliché, but a little shift in mindset to remind us that we are worthy and we deserve good things can truly go a long way.

So, are you giving yourself enough grace? Don’t beat yourself up — you’re only human, and that’s all you have to be.

Xoxo,

MM.