Leave Your Ego at the Door: AKA Do No Harm (But Take no Crap, Either)

Ah, the ego— the pervasive driving force within ourselves that creates most of what we are. A conglomerate of our experiences, ideas, and emotions, the ego is what gives us our sense of “self”, which sometimes leads to a sense of self-importance.

Why do I bring this up? Well, after some thinking and therapy over the years, I’ve been trying to heal from times I’ve been egotistical and harmful to others, and times others have been egotistical and harmful toward me. Let me explain—

You glow differently when you allow your ego to dissolve, and your good intentions to shine through. (Photo by Nina Martin)

How ego hurts ourselves and others.

Most major religions preach the concept of throwing-off our ego (and taking up the cause of others). As a Christian, the example of Christ coming to Earth to serve others is the greatest example of this I can follow. In Buddhism, the Tibetan Book of the Dead explores many levels of ego-dissolution and how that step is necessary to obtain pure peace, or “nirvana”. Essentially— this is something many of us agree on.

When our ego is too big, it becomes a large target ready to be bruised. We take things too personally and too seriously. We forget that we’re all just silly souls in human suits, essentially, and that this mortal life (and these fleeting things) don’t last forever and… we hurt people. We may bully, gate-keep, berate, or belittle others. We may think we’re more righteous than others. And in the end? We’re usually in the wrong, and we end up hurting people (including those we care about most).

No one wants to be friends with the know-it-all kid. No one wants to be in a romantic relationship with someone who belittles and berates them in order to elevate themselves (something I was guilty of in my younger relationships, when I allowed my ego to fester and repeat toxic patterns in my daily life, etc.). No one wants to be around someone whose ego is too big, and who hurts others seemingly to make themselves feel better— it’s toxic, and it’s no good for anyone involved.

On the flip-side, however, people do want to connect with and be around people who make them feel good. People who lift them up. People who are open-minded, understanding, slow to anger, and even-keel in their emotions. Rational. Calm. Empathetic. Now, I’m not saying we should always put ourselves and our own needs aside (since I’m a huge proponent of self-care and boundary setting), but we cannot allow our egos to rule over our lives and relationships with others. However, let’s discuss the happy median we should be cognizant of therein, which means…

Basically? Do no harm, but take no crap.

I’m not saying working toward dissolving your ego entirely is easy (or even attainable for most, really, despite what some old, heady hippies might say), nor am I saying that you should always roll over and allow others to continue to hurt, harm, or abuse you in any way shape or form (if you’re stuck in a toxic friendship, relationship, or other harmful situation). What I am saying basically boils down into this— do no harm (with your ego), but take no crap (from other’s inflated ego), either.

You can love people from a distance. You can forgive someone without allowing them the opportunity to hurt you again. You can set boundaries (my favorite!), stand up for yourself and for others, and put your foot down when necessary to protect your peace and defend people and things you care about. That is all fair. You cannot (or, should not), however, bully others, belittle others, or use your own experience/”expertise” to set the tone for someone else’s “success” or “failure”. That just isn’t your call, and the ego that drives those more sinister ambitions is one that needs to be dissolved, diminished, and re-assessed, for sure.

So— who have you hurt when your ego was too big, or too bruised? Who has hurt you, and how can you forgive them without allowing it to happen again? Protecting your peace at all costs is important, friends.

Xoxo, MM.