Guest Post: “The Bad Friend” by Celeste Lilac
This is a guest post by writer Celeste Lilac. Enjoy!
“If you've been on a spiritual journey then you should be familiar with the term inner child. For those that aren't familiar, it's your child self operating in an adult body. When we experience trauma at young ages part of us stays mindset until we make the decision to do radical inner child healing.
Healing your inner child takes a lot of self awareness and patience. Even with that therapy may be needed or some sort of outside perspective. You have to learn how to talk to your younger self as a parent that you needed during that time. It's not an easy process. When you're gaining that awareness of yourself and your triggers it's clearer to see how it manifests in others. Because you've been there yourself. You'll even see it in those older than you. Parents, grandparents, role models, so on and so fourth. No one will probably have it all figured out in this lifetime. But, we can help each other out within reason.
I had trouble with feeling safe with others. So when I felt threatened I would do one of two things; hold on tighter or leave before they had the chance to. While I'm thankful for the ones that understood I realized how irresponsible I could be with other's feelings. Not just their feelings, but their trust as well. It wasn't fair that I couldn't be a safe place for them because I wasn't that for myself. Another thing I've seen, not only in myself but around most childhood wounds, is the sense of entitlement. Like, I've been through all of this, so I'm allowed to act this way. Or, I've been through all of this, I would like attention from it. Then that gives the mindset of putting ourselves first and not thinking of the impact it has on others. Even in intimate relationships we don't know what others themselves could be carrying from years prior. Instead of running, having important conversations are important to move forward. Sure, it's a lot more tempting to just run off into the abyss and never to return. But that doesn't help build or sustain a healthy relationship.
It's important to let people process things their own way and on their own time. Love is suppose to be freeing, not white knuckled. Speaking from personal experience. I grew up in a household where we didn't express our emotions. Just bottled them up until one of us exploded. Now I'm trying to learn my emotions and how to express them the 'right' way so that it's understandable to the other person. Be honest and clear to those around you about what you need. Do you need time? A break? A hug? Don't be afraid to say it, especially if you believe that these people love you. Healing is really hard and a support team is important. And for those who have a wounded friend, have honest conversations with them. Tell them what you will and won't tolerate. Make boundaries (if you need to) about your availability to hold space for them. We're all human and are made to make mistakes. Nothing good really comes easy. It's all about picking and choosing your battles.
To pull things together, if you see someone struggling with these wounds, just give them grace. There's things going on that they don't talk about. Observe, not absorb. This isn't saying you have to deal with it if you do not want to. Just realize it can be a lot sometimes and conversations are needed in order to move into a better place. This doesn't just have to be friends. It can be family, coworkers, an older lady at the grocery store, even yourself.”
By Celeste Lilac.