Red, Yellow, Green: Communicating Your Boundaries Once, and then, For All

Not all boundaries are created equally, and not all boundaries are to be communicated the same way. Do you know the “red, yellow, green” method? Depending on who and what you’re setting a boundary with, you may choose to use the gentler “green” communication, the moderate “yellow”, or the more intense “red” (this is final) communication. Need some examples? Let’s dive in—

“Green” boundary communication

When you set a boundary that you’d like to communicate gently to someone (perhaps it’s your first time communicating it, or they’ve honored your boundaries in the past so you don’t need to be as stern with them), you may use the “green” method. Let’s say you’re doing a Dry January and your friend has invited you out for drinks. An example of a green boundary would be responding with something like, “Hi! I’m actually not drinking right now; however, I’d love to go get a cup of coffee or a meal with you and catch up!” Your friend will likely understand and adjust the plan, and your boundary remains in tact. It’s that simple to communicate in the calm, “green” territory.

“Yellow” boundary communication

When your boundary has perhaps been violated once, or someone keeps pressing the issue, you may feel the need to reassert your boundary. This moves into the “yellow” boundary communication territory. This time, you may need to be more stern, and say something like, “You’ve invited me out for drinks a couple times now, though you know I’m doing a Dry January. I’d appreciate it if we could do something else, and not press the issue again.” This is more stern, with a willingness to still engage in alternate activities with the other party, while protecting your boundary more seriously.

“Red” boundary communication: the “this is final”

When your boundary has been disrespected over and over again (and you see no other way to protect your boundary and make your space safe), you may need to move into the “red” boundary communication territory. These boundaries are “once and for all”, final. An example of “red” boundary communication might look like this: “You know I’m not drinking right now, yet you continue to disrespect my boundaries. Please don’t invite me out to drink with you anymore.”

All boundaries are different, and we all deal with people who respect (or disrespect) our boundaries differently. This communication style applies to all boundaries and can be extremely useful in communicating our boundaries to keep ourselves safe and sane. Stay well in the New Year, and protect your boundaries as needed.

Xoxo, MM.