How to Deal with Toxic People

Sometimes, they’re unavoidable. Toxic people (though we should try to create boundaries and hold space) can crop up in many areas of our lives— our workplaces, our social circles, even in our own families. Though it’s best to love these types of people from a (very healthy) distance, sometimes you just can’t avoid dealing with them— and when you can’t avoid it, here are some tips on how to deal.

How to Deal with Toxic People You Can’t Seem to Avoid

If you can’t avoid coming into contact with toxic individuals, there are some steps you can take to protect your peace (both in the moment and in the long term) either way.

Boundary setting.

The first step to dealing with a toxic person is to set immediate and firm boundaries. (More later on what to do if said toxic person violates your boundaries, but—) Boundary setting 101 tells us that the sooner we set up boundaries and the more we stand by them, the more effective they will be. Begin with the green, yellow, red method— set a boundary in the green, something gentle and asked politely, and move on to yellow and red only if someone continues to violate those boundaries. A “green” boundary may be something like “Hi, it makes me uncomfortable when you do that. Could you please stop?”, where as “yellow” may be a bit more firm, and “red” may look something like, “I’ve asked you to stop. You haven’t. So, I’m going to ask you to keep your space from me and not contact me any longer.”

Diffusing the situation.

Sometimes, even before boundary setting is engaged, you can diffuse a situation if someone isn’t necessarily toxic, but maybe just having a bad day or acting a bit cross. Asking someone if they’re alright or what’s making them lash out can work at times— really, some people just want to be heard and it can make all the difference in their demeanor and behavior.

Disengaging (respectfully).

This goes back to the “green” boundaries, but it looks a bit more like this. You can simply say, “Listen, I’m not comfortable with what you’re (doing/saying/etc.) and I’m going to take a step back.” Sometimes, removing yourself from the situation quietly and politely is the best course of action when dealing with a toxic person.

Disengaging (period).

This one is more in the “red.” If the toxic person continues to bother or engage with you, you might need to put your foot down. This may look something like, “You have to stop. You’ve hurt my feelings and I won’t tolerate it any longer. Don’t contact me again until you’re ready for a civil discussion.”

Unfortunately, some people aren’t great. However, we are responsible for our own actions and reactions, and learning to deal with difficult people is part of life. Luckily, there are steps you can take to protect your peace.

Xoxo, MM.