No More Wondering: A Story of How Friendship Blossomed Into More
By Kabrea James
There are some smiles you just don’t forget and his was one of them. He was the first boy I became nervous around without necessarily understanding why. Sure, we all have childhood crushes but he left a mark on me. He was special.
Every summer I looked for him, waited for him. Memorial day meant him and his family would leave their bustling cities behind to spend the holiday in Hinton, West Virginia. It meant he would be in my small, country town of all places. Whether it be splashing away in the The New River or sitting up all night watching scary movies, we were inseparable. In my hometown, where nothing happens, my special playmate arrived year after year.
That is, until one summer he didn’t.
Our last childhood conversations took place just before we both went off to 6th grade. I remember chatting on the phone all night about how excited and anxious we were. Even at age 12, I could sense an ending and it felt final. We were from different worlds and it was time for him to truly get settled into his life in the city, even if it meant leaving me behind.
The years came and went and I always found myself wondering about my friend, wondering what he looked like and wondering if he wondered about me. Wondering if he found a reason to smile on that particular day.
Eight years later, I found myself still wondering and at age 20, I had to know.
2015 brought me to Baltimore, Maryland after my mother remarried. Closer than ever to his city and still wondering, I asked a family member how I might go about contacting him, as I didn’t even know his last name. The connection, always etched into my mind, yet not his last name.
Maybe I’m doing too much, I thought to myself.
Still, the wondering wouldn’t cease and on a cool, fall night, I found myself sitting idly in the parking lot of a Maryland apartment complex. The dark of night felt especially heavy. Uncertainty filled the air and with butterflies in my stomach, I waited for my very special friend.
He appeared when I least expected. A sharp feeling of shock surged through me, electrifying the butterflies. We embraced one another and it felt like home.
In that moment, I didn’t have to wonder anymore. He grew up to be very handsome, he had thought about me, and he had found a reason to smile on this particular day. The reason was me.
He took me out to dinner and introduced me to his friends at a hotel party. The night wrapped up and I faded back into my own life, back to the wondering.
Five years later, I graduated college and got even more settled into my own life. I often found myself traveling directly to his city to meet up with friends I met during my studies. I would see him from time to time but his mind always seemed to be somewhere else.
On one occasion, we met up in the early morning hours, just as I was heading back to West Virginia. We sat in my car for hours, smoking and listening to modern R&B tunes. We talked about any and everything, from our current struggles to what the future might hold. Me and my very special friend. Time was nonexistent and I couldn’t tell who needed who more.
And we went on for several years this way. FaceTimes, iMessages and quick smoke sessions when I came to his city. Still, I never knowing who needed who more in those moments and later realizing that it never mattered. Until one day, the wondering reached its peak, the wondering wouldn’t cease.
During a recent trip to his city, I found myself extremely intoxicated and longing for his presence.
“So I’m seeing you or no?” was the message that flashed across my screen, despite it being well into the night. It had to have been 5AM when one of my girlfriends dropped me off at his place. Of course, he was right there eagerly awaiting my arrival. He took my arm into his and waltzed me up the street leading to his apartment. This both puzzled and excited me.
We watched a movie, smoked and chatted about our early friendship as I nearly drifted off in his bed. Then came the wondering.
Why won’t he touch me? I asked myself, It’s just him and I with none of the parental restrictions from childhood. Nothing is stopping him. What’s holding him back?
The movie ended and I left before the sun came up, still wondering.
A couple of weeks went by before we spoke again. I posted a picture on Instagram and he left a questionable comment for all to see. I “loved” the comment and kept it pushing, as this was very confusing to me after our last encounter.
A few more days passed and I assume his wondering reached its peak.
“You know my whole life I’ve been curious, what do you consider me? Family or friend?” He asked via text.
The message took me back, I can’t lie. I waited so long for this moment.
Of course, my feelings reflected his so we wasted no time reconnecting. I came back to his city less than two weeks after his message finally found me. Late in the night, he took my hand and led me into his place, somewhere I had been countless times as a friend but tonight was different. He assured my girlfriend that I get “special treatment” from him and that I was always good in his city under him. He was clearly intoxicated but being a Pisces, I feel this made the energy between us more fluid.
We walked in and the chemistry was instant. We sat on his bed, just as we did a few weeks ago yet the childhood awkwardness was nowhere to be found. He asked if he could kiss me and I said yes because I wanted to see how it felt for myself. They were very sweet kisses. He kept asking me, “You see how natural this feels?”
All night he caressed me and told me how grateful he was for this moment and our 20 year-long connection. We were intimate after hours of basking in this long-awaited moment. The experience was beyond pleasurable. It was ethereal. During the loving act, he asked, “How do you expect me not to fall in love with you?”
Days later, I returned home with clarity and a new enthusiasm towards love and life and general. Two red heart emojis came across my screen just as I was getting settled back into my life in the mountains.
No more wondering.
- Kabrea A. James, Journalist, Author, Tarot Reader, Natural Hair-Care and Other Hand-Crafted Pieces.
Instagram: @euphoriccdreams
Kabrea A. James, the author of this piece, professional journalist, tarot reader, and more.