If You’re Tired of “Shallow” Interactions…

If you’re tired of “shallow” interactions, like I’ve been lately, try these tips to go beyond surface-level in your friendships, romantic relationships, or even in those micro-interactions you have with strangers.

I realized I was real sick and tired of “shallow” interactions after a late night out this winter. I was craving a deeper, more intimate (or at least honest) conversation with someone, and a level of emotion that can only be created through genuine human interaction … and I bungled it. My social anxiety got the best of me. I made stupid jokes, yucked it up with everyone else, and just let my brain go into “auto-pilot” mode.

Not once did I ask how anyone had been, or how they were feeling. They didn’t ask me, either, but that’s my point — all conversation remained as shallow as a kiddie pool, perfectly surface level, with the tension never being broken by a single sincere remark.

I know I’m also to blame here. Like I said, I was an active contributor to this problem in that moment during a late night out with friends, too, and in many other moments on those frivolous weekend nights out. And sometimes we need that, and that’s okay. But the next morning, I felt a little sad — so I dove into the “why”.

Why don’t we do “late night talks” anymore?

Blame it on social media; blame it on our shortened attention spans; blame it on the ever-anxiety inducing state of the world — but something has seriously changed when it comes to interpersonal communication.

What ever happened to the “late night talk,” for example? You may say, anecdotally, you still enjoy many a late night talk with your pals (and so do I, from time to time), but research suggests that Gen-Z is on par to be the highest self-reported “lonely” generation. And I think we’ve all felt that, in recent years, social isolation and shallow interactions have become more normal.

Interacting with a friend by DM’ing memes on Instagram isn’t the same as interacting with that friend face-to-face and having a coffee talk, for one thing… and, again, I’m to blame here too, as that’s how I interact with a lot of my friends (then go long stretches without seeing them in person, as the break-neck pace of modern life keeps us all running around 24/7).

However, I notice that when I do take time to genuinely chat with a friend, over coffee or even on the phone if we can’t be face-to-face, I feel an immediate and sweeping sense of relief. I feel good. I feel more present, more whole — I feel more human and connected to the shared experience of existence, rather than just watching vignettes of life playing out on social media.

SO, all that to say — how can I (and all of us) cultivate more of those genuine interactions in our life? I began brainstorming, and here are some ideas that came to mind:

How can we become more present with our friends?

After taking some time to think (i.e., thinking about times I’d felt I genuinely interacted with a friend, versus a time I hadn’t), I realized there are a few factors that affect the level of engagement experienced in social settings:

• Where are we? If we’re at a restaurant or coffee shop, a place where we can sit and chat, more genuine talks seem to occur organically, without even trying. Shopping, hiking, all of that also works — moments where an activity isn’t completely distracting us from one another, but encouraging all participants to begin a conversation/engage in a shared experience. Rather than staring at the TV (or worse, our phones) together on the couch, or going to an extremely loud club together (which can be fun and def has its time and place, don’t get me wrong!), what activity could we do that encourage us to talk to our friends?

• Have reached out in a while? The old saying “it goes both ways,” comes to mind here. If you feel there’s been some distance from a friend or romantic partner lately, maybe it’s not all them. Have you taken a moment out of your busy schedule recently to even attempt to make plans with someone, or even just ask how they’re doing? If you haven’t, that’s a great place to begin.

How can I become a better communicator?

The two ideas stated above I’ve actively put into practice this week — and guess what? By reaching out first, and making plans that allow for genuine engagement, I’ve caught up with two very good friends this week that I haven’t had a “deep dive” with for a while — and its felt amazing.

Sometimes, being a better communicator simply boils down to making more of an effort. Send that first text; make that call out of the blue; invite a friend out to a spontaneous dinner (rather than lie on your couch all night and doom-scroll).

A little effort can go a long way, and if you’re craving more genuine interaction, it’s typically just a call, text, or little drop-in visit away.

Xoxo,

MM.